| LSE
brings home GOLD MEDALS!!!!
Report from
Lee
The sharp-shooting,
break-building, smooth-stroking snooker superstars of the LSE emerged
triumphant after utterly destroying their competitors at the British
Universities Snooker Plate like a psychotic Old Testament God. There
also happened to be another concurrent tournament over the weekend
referred to as 'the main championship' or something like that, which
isn't nearly as prestigious as the Plate; however for the sake of
completeness that competition is summarised below.
The weekend
began on Friday 12th March at the Northern Snooker Centre in Leeds
with the Individual Championship. Competing against the other 1st
team members of universities across the British Isles, the LSE squad
immediately did way better than last year, with Alpesh and Aqeel
both getting byes into the last 128. Lee, Aqeel and Ken made light
work of their opponents (if by light work you mean scraping narrow
deciding frame victories) meaning that 4 out of 5 of us had got
through to the 2nd round! Last year only Ken had that sweet, sweet
claim to glory. Somehow things got even better as Ken won his next
match with his classically irritating grinding style to get through
to the last 64. Lee then beat one of the Manchester team 2-0 and
Aqeel scared off his opponent with his raging cueing face, meaning
2 of the LSE team were through to the last 32!! Sadly Aqeel then
lost that match, but Lee managed to come back from 1-0 down against
the Nottingham guy who had beaten Alpesh earlier. The dude had an
easy black to win 2-0 but choked and I imagine he will be having
nightmares about it for the rest of his life as Lee secured the
2-1 win to put him into the last 16. Let me repeat that, in case
it didn't sink in. Lee (me) got to the last 16. Of the BUCS snooker
individuals. What an absolute farce. My extraordinary run of luck
ended in the last 16 however as I was thwarted by a guy who actually
deserved to be in the latter stages, Gary Menary of Queens Belfast
(regular member of the Northern Ireland International Student Snooker
team, previous winner of the title), who ended up winning the individual
final against Glen Spalling (also, Spalling got a 112 break over
the weekend!)
Team
Championship
On a high from
the spectacular performance in the individuals, the LSE stars got
down to business in the main team event. We only needed to come
in the top 2 of the group to get through to the knockout stage,
but obviously we were gunning for 1st place as our group contained
such laughable opponents as Warwick 1sts, Southampton 1sts and York
and Queens 2nds. It started off badly as we didn't hear the call
for our first match against York, resulting in an immediate 1-frame
deduction. Given that we were actually 45 fucking minutes
late, we were really rather lucky not to have been disqualified
(bless you Paddy!). Technically we drew 5-5 against York but because
of the frame deduction we lost 5-4.
Things got worse
as we then played Warwick 1sts. The good news is that they were
a man down as apparently one of their legends Jimmy Hill was deemed
ineligible for BUCS. This meant we immediately had a 2-0 head-start!
We lost 8-2. Alpesh played his best snooker of the weekend against
Jay Murphy but still got raped. Will secured a 20 point lead against
Matt Bradley but sadly also got forcibly penetrated as Matt knocked
in two 40+ breaks. We then lost 8-2 to Southampton 1sts. Our last
match against Queens 2nds was absolutely vital, we had to win and
win big in order to avoid relegation by coming bottom. Unfortunately
we drew and drew big... Will played some awesome snooker to secure
the draw, getting a 65 point lead from only 3 visits. This meant
we still had a chance of not coming bottom! Queens simply had to
beat York at least 9-1.
That kinda didn't
happen. We were out. Bottom from the group, relegated to the Shield
for next year, and left sitting in despair crying into our chips.
Paddy informed us that we could still play in the plate (the competition
for the 4 worst teams in the main championship, and the 4 worst
teams in the Shield), but given our misery at being so crap, we
decided against it. We just wanted to get the hell out of there,
back to civilised London where people didn't walk around 90% naked
at night in, literally, near freezing temperatures (seriously, what
the hell is up with women up north, mini/micro skirts and boob-tubes??
PUT A BLOODY JACKET ON! OR AT LEAST A BLOUSE?? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?!?!).
Will, however,
had different ideas. His rationale was that we came here to play
snooker, and we had a chance of playing some more, so why not? Why
not indeed. Aqeel was sympathetic to Will's suggestion, replying
"bollocks, I don't give a shit, I'm going", and very nearly
offered his signature Kadrian back-hand, the mental aggro maniac.
Alpesh's mood changed and he warmed to the idea. Then Ken said yeah
why not. Finally, Paddy suggested that we should play as there would
be some good crack there, which convinced Lee, as drugs would probably
be the only thing that could have cheered him up at that point.
So off we went
to the barren desolate wastelend surrounding the Exelsior Snooker
Centre out of town, to face the rest of the useless teams who
came last in their groups. It felt rather like being offered
to compete in the Special Olympics. As we arrived we faced the incredibly
friendly Kent 2nds and embarrassingly shook hands and said good
luck. Kent 2nds had come bottom in their shield group, and Alpesh
lost his frame. lolz. Fortunately however Lee, Aqeel and Ken won
their matches so we were through to the SEMI-FINAL!! WOOOOOOO!!!
Here we faced
the shouty incomprehensible force of Ulster 2nds, which necessitated
concentrated lip-reading to understand what on earth they were saying.
Lee and Aqeel both won by margins of 50+ points to put the LSE into
a solid 2-frame lead and just needed one more to get to the plate
final. Alpesh lost again to a team that came bottom in the shield.
Ken also lost. We were 2-2 with Will 'Balls of Granite' Dee facing
the slowest player ever in the deciding frame. A (s)crappy affair
took place and despite getting an early lead Will miscued to leave
the Ulster guy with a chance of leveling. And in fact he took the
lead. Will was faced with a 10-foot pot down the rail on the green.
Watching closely, Lee shouted telepathically to Will: "don't
go for the pot, don't go for the pot, you stupid **** DON'T GO FOR
THE POT!!". He went for the pot. And thank christ he made it.
He then had an almost as difficult pot on the brown. Will didn't
notice the vein in my forehead about to burst as obviously the only
viable option was safety. Will thumped the long brown into the pocket.
How the hell did he do that?? He then potted the blue but shanked
the pink. Fortunately for him the Ulster guy didn't capitalise and
we were into the plate final!
Here we faced
Warwick 2nds, who on paper are arguably the strongest 2nd team at
the event. We beat them 6-0. Oh yes. We finally decided to play
well, Alpesh knocking in a 40, Aqeel banging away a 34, it wasn't
even close. We had won the title of Best Losers! And with it the
beautiful Saints Plate and... GOLD MEDALS! YYEEEEEAAHHHH!!!!! Next
year we plan on retaining the title - but to do so we will have
to come bottom in our Shield group, which will require some genuinely
appalling snooker. With Alpesh, Aqeel and Ken graduating however,
I think we can do it. Bring on 2011!
|
|
Quotes from the
Weekend
Ulster
guy: "blarghy fargh hee saggin'!"
Lee: "er, haha yeah I know"
Ulster guy (confused): "nah, hee saggin' fyar
team?"
Lee: "sorry could you repeat that please?"
Ulster guy (visibly angry now): "HEE SAGGIN'?"
Lee: "erm, that's Will over there, he's not
playing yet though."
Ulster guy: "SAGGIN!"
Lee: "oh right.... who's second? that'll be
Ken, you're playing Ken on that table."
Ulster guy (walking off): "flarmy
girdle hern fecker"
--------------------
Alpesh:
"I just saw Rich Reynolds miss a black off the spot. He's SO
SHIT!"
--------------------
Lee:
"Hi can I order a bacon roll please?"
Barmaid: "aye you can luv"
Other barmaid (in thick Yorkshire accent): "BAAAACON?"
Lee: "yeah, sorry is that bad?"
Other barmaid: "nooo! baacon's great!"
Lee: "oh right, er, thanks!"
--------------------
Team Stats
| Name |
Won |
Win
% |
| Aqeel Kadri |
8/12 |
67% |
| Lee Mager |
6/11 |
55% |
| Alpesh
Varsani |
6/12 |
50% |
| Ken Nguyen |
3/9 |
33% |
| Will Dee |
|
|
Individual
Championship Performances
Lee - Last 16
Aqeel - Last 32
Ken - Last 32
Alpesh - Last 64
Will - Last 128
Highest
Breaks of the weekend
Alpesh - 40
Aqeel - 34
Lee - 29
Will - 28
Ken - 22
The
PLATE!!
The
GOLD MEDAL!!
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